Sitting with the Toad: the release
I had anticipated this moment for over a month, seeking healing from heartbreak, relationship problems and emotional blockages. I have been feeling like a pressure cooker since my last Ayahuasca experience; building up pressure from suppressed feelings and emotions, bursting into moments of crying when the pressure was to high. I have had my moments of crying but unable to let it all out. So I was ready to let it all out without holding back if the opportunity presented itself.
I decided to take a 50mg dose as a primer. I feel it helps me prepare for the full dose.
Getting prepped before the session feels like a flight checklist and indeed I was ready to blast off, ready to meet the God in me.
Sage and Florida water- check
Paper towels and bucket-check
Healing meditation music and instruments- check
Portable fan, comfy cushions- check
Sacred medicine and applicator- check
Location, facilitator and sitters- check
All systems go!
As I took my dose, my lungs filling in, I started to count from one to 10 in my head. As I held my breath and started the countdown, my world started to dissolve. I felt the familiar taste in my mouth, the drop, and felt the resistance like a toggle switch. On one side, is resistance ( my fears), on the other release ( acceptance). The resistance feels like that moment when we are confronted with something unexpected... like when someone suddenly cross in front of you; you tense, hold your breath and either:
A- freeze on the spot, bracing for the hit. I have been stuck here during my first journeys and it is why I like the primer dose , so I am familiar with the process when I take the full dose.
B- quickly move away from danger, the release. The release will only happen when three things are registered in my mind. I am safe, this is necessary for my personal and spiritual growth and this too shall pass.
All this happens in what it feels like nano-seconds, very, very quickly. Being stuck in resistance mode can have an adverse effect on the journey but it must be experienced at least once or twice to learn from it and how to navigate through it. The quickly I acknowledge that I am in a safe place with a good facilitator and sitters, that I accept that this is necessary for my healing process and in full understanding that it will pass and I will come back, the sooner I can dive into the release.
Mission control, we have lift off! I felt the pull into hyperspace. A familiar white bright light with hues of red, orange and yellow. There is a moment where I feel that there is no top or bottom. I am suspended in the void as I slowly fall backwards on the floor.
As I lay there, dissolving into nothingness for few minutes, my whole being is scanning in search for something deep. Suddenly I gasp, having reaching a point in my journey. A flood of emotions overcame me and I started to wail. This is my release.
It is like searching for that lone sock that is at the bottom of the laundry pile. The sock represented a suppressed emotion and the laundry on top of it was, well, life. I dove deeper into my journey, into the laundry pile of my relationship issues and heartbreak until I found the lone sock....emotional hurt.
The pain of hurting people I love, the pain of the consequences of my actions, the pain of heartbreak came one after the other, feeling everything as if it was done to me. I clutched my chest, feeling my heart aching, feeling the intensity of the suffering, compounded by every let down, every betrayal, every lie, every heartbreak I have cause to each person I have disappointed, cheated on and lied to. There was no thinking, no thoughts involved. I only felt it.
There is a beautiful movie called Powder, about an albino teenager with abilities to harness extrasensory perception and heal the sick. In one scene, in a hunting trip, the Sheriff's deputy shot a doe. Powder touches both the deer and the sheriff and caused the sheriff to feel all the pain and fear of the deer dying. Because of that experience, the Sheriff removed all his guns from his house. I felt like the sheriff, as if someone I have hurt place her hand over my heart and mine over hers and said " here this is how it feels" and became bigger and heavy as the feelings and emotions of each person I have hurt dropped in my heart one after the other. I felt pain, heartbreak, grief, loss, guilt, remorse like I've never felt before.
My journey lasted about 15 minutes, with the last few minutes coming down from a crying fit. No need for a second dose. This was my release. I came out with a sobering understanding that the consequences of my action have no reversal clause. There is no recovery for what is done, only to move forward. Of course, I can say that I have learned from my mistakes but I rather show it with my actions.
This was my 4th time sitting with the toad. This time I brought with my wife for her first experience. I wanted for her to heal from the hurt I've caused her, to be free. I wanted us to heal, to be able to let go of each other and move on with our lives. She witnessed my process and later told me that I cried the same way she cried when I did all the things that hurt her.
I am grateful for this experience. It has taken me time to integrate it, and still working on it every day. I have had my days of looming into the darkness of my past actions and other days looking into the light of who I want to become. That's where I am going.