On Quitting Alcohol
Quitting drinking alcohol was one of the hardest yet most life changing things I've ever done for myself. My whole life revolved around drinking, everyday. I was a functional alcoholic. I drank until I was numbed....sometimes, more than I care to admit, until I blacked out. I used to love that numbing feeling until I realized, when I got sober, that I was numbing my feelings and emotions. I was unable to feel anything. I didn't know I was in so much pain because alcohol kept me numbed, in a dream, desensitized from feeling anything. But it was ok, I thought. That's what everyone does, right? I was socially conditioned since young age to go out and drink with my buddies when things were going right, to celebrate, to kill time, and when things were not going right, when I was angry, and sad also. It was sort of a right of passage from boy to Man. There was always an excuse to have a drink, until drinking was part of my daily routine.
"Let's get wasted, fucked up, shit faced....let's party". That was the ringing bell to roll out into a drinking binge. Then it sneaked silently into having a drink while having dinner at the house, while watching a movie, while being alone. Many parties, celebrations and gatherings that I went, special moments that I don't remember shit. Memories lost...only to be brought up by someone else's story of the events that happened that time. " do you remember when you did this or that?" It was all fun and laughs...until it wasn't anymore.
I did stupid shit, and hurt a lot of people...the ones I loved. I am grateful that I never went to prison or had a DUI or that I ruined someone's life by my stupidity. I had a cadre of guardian angels protecting me but I was flying faster than them and they struggled to keep up. Alcohol opened the doors to crazy behavior, to drugs, infidelity and to do other things I am not proud to say. It destroyed relationships, including my marriage. I was so numbed to ever realize where things were wrong and too fucked up to own my shit and speak up.
Sitting with my feelings and emotions raw and sober was no fun, I admit that. To face them head on was painful but in acknowledging that pain, I started to feel again. Understanding the why brought clarity to my mind. Accepting and forgiving myself brought something I didn't think I had, self love. Quitting drinking made me human again and for this I am so proud of myself.
If you're a A-drinker, no matter the category you put yourself in ( one drink a day, social drinker, etc..), carry on, I am not judging you. I love and accept you the same way. However, if you think that something is just not quite right in your life and you think alcohol may be the reason or if you're struggling with alcohol, let's have a sobering talk!”