Bassé: my Iboga Journey
Anthony talked about Mougandha, the 10th generation shaman of the Bwiti tradition. We also talked about stating our intentions for the journey and performed and smudge ritual.
As soon I closed my eyes, weird visions started to pop from a tapestry of nowhere. There were random, vivid as living, and made no fucking sense. I was getting more frustrated, is this it? Some visuals with no context? I had the blindfold on but I was able to see through it, through my eyelids, through the canopy of trees, through the sky full of bright stars and weird colored swirls. I was having visions but with little or no sense at all of the meaning of it. One of the most profound as I started into the void was a bright scene. Like when you look up to the sun with your eyes closed. Then slowly, it started to open like an eye looking from the inside out. First blurry and fuzzy then, as I blinked, it cleared up, and a room came up into view through the seeing eye. There was a dresser with a mirror at the other end. Then I saw my Mom coming into view looking straight at me with a big loving smile on her face. I realized then that the eye was really mine, baby Carlito’s looking at my mom from my crib.
I couldn't make out why this was happening when all of the sudden my Dad comes into the frame, his sideburns and guayabera shirt validating that this took place around the year I was born, 1974. He took my Mom off my frame of view very quickly and I didn't see any of them anymore. I don't know what the hell happened and got frustrated by why I was seeing that when I was supposed to be dealing with my addictions and problems. Frustrated I swiped that vision like swiping the screen of the phone and it was gone.
I was trying to control what I was seeing. If there was an image and wasn’t what at I wanted to see, I simply swiped it away and it was gone. I saw my family; my sister came back thousands of times. I was impressed by how vivid everything looks. Her shiny hair, her bright red lipstick, and her beautiful smile. She was always smiling. I saw the rest of my family as they popped in from nothing, pan in and out of my visual field, and shaped made out the surrounding environment. Images from a guy that although looks familiar, don’t remember him somehow. Is he related to a part of my childhood?...and my sister, what about her?... I will have to ask my Mom for details to make a connection or sense out of this. Later the next day, I learned that the visions were important for me to understand things about my childhood and my issues. I cursed myself for taking myself out of it. I didn't have any preparation for this, so I was not aware that things like this could happen in an Iboga journey. I swore from that point on to be patient and to trust the process of the medicine no matter what.
Stop resisting and just listen to the music.
Despite the visuals and audio overstimulation, this is not what I came up here for. I wanted to find a deeper meaning somehow and get my lifelong answers. Kicking and pouting like a small child wasn’t going to help me go through this night. So, I let go of my expectations and let the medicine do the work. She will give me what I need even if I can't find the what, the why, and how of everything. Just let it go!
Awake for Hours
I open one eye and it was dark, I open my other eye and it was daylight. I was moved to my room at around 6 am. Then it happened again, experiencing the hallucinations, intense buzzing in my ear, flashing of light. Everything was moving around me. My senses were enhanced and I continued tossing and turning for hours and hours with no respite for sleep. I felt extremely weak, my body ached. I couldn't hold a glass of water or support my self straight. I curled up in bed exhausted. All I wanted to do was to sleep. I lay there, eyes closed but I was wide awake. I felt the mattress springs digging into my bones every time I rolled to one side or the other, trying to get comfortable but it didn't help. My body was aching in pain. All my muscles, joints, and bones hurt like being sick with the flu. I felt like shit and there seemed to be no end to this. I remember every time the AC came on. I literally "saw" how the flap opened, blew air, closed and the AC shuts off. I looked at the tapestry on the wall with a guacamayo in the jungle. The guacamayo jumped out of the tapestry, its head morphed into my Dad's head-turning around as if saying something and then disappearing. What the fuck?
I slowly started to get why the weeklong retreat and the space between ceremonies. I couldn't sleep for like 36 hours, unable to close my eyes because I felt I had no eyelids.
I closed my eyes from the top left I could see a dark bulge trying to press into view. From the right almost simultaneous an eye like Washington's dollar taking shape. I was ready and a booster later, I was laying on my mattress.
I lay there and almost immediately, then eye again. It appeared several times clearly telling me to "see". In the background, a red veil or tapestry with Maui flowers was hanged right above me. Then slowly it dropped down held only by air flowing underneath. I could feel this too, I thought!
Then shadows swerved around me. First subtle and them more of them. I finally register what was happening immediately, I just want to stay calm and let it happens. It scared me to see shit like this but I must conquer my fears. The shadows came to me slithering like that scene in the movie "Ghost" where the shadows came and grabbed the man and took him away. They came to me and began taking shape of women, wearing the same dress some thin another fuller with curves, showing legs and cleavage. Some were faceless others masked by the shadows, others showed faces of women that I don’t want to see and other faces were not at all pretty. They were kissing me, arousing me, tempting me to give in for the flesh. Two went down on me; another got closer to me very close. They were so vivid, very close almost face to face that I could see the blackness in her eyes. What got me fucking floored about this experience, is the fact that I WAS feeling it too. I could feel them as they got closer pressing down on the mattress, their skirts caressing my skin until I got goosebumps. Some were leaning to me whisper something in my ear I couldn’t hear but I definitely felt a tiny blow of cold air in my ear. Then they all merged into one with three heads. Like in the movie "Dracula" when Keanu Reeves was being aroused by the vampire woman and they all became one.
I was starting to get the message and knew I had to let them all go. When I told them they have to leave my life, they were not happy and one of them showed her face and it was the woman I had recently an affair with. She was angry when I told her I was letting her go and slowly started to retreat back into the shadows. I didn't believe in spirits before, but sure as hell I do now.
It was the most fucking bizarre living experience ever!!
The excitement of the events and trying to get the handle of navigating with the medicine got me tensed and wired like high on cocaine. I was clenching my jaw, slight tremors, and tension around my entire body. I got worked up so much with what I experience with the spirit women that lead to several vicious purges. I didn't purge on the previous journey. I was not familiar with purging, even the word sounded foreign to me. I did my purge for the entire week! I kneeled close to my bucket and spewed massive amounts of nasty bile cascading down 5-7 times or more, I just don't fucking remember. Each one of them I felt clean, detoxifying my body from all the negative energy.
I lay back down and closed my eyes wide open. The red tapestry was above me again and slowly floating through me. I was expecting movement and saw lots of it shapes and shadows in the background or behind or the sides ...who the fuck knows!! Alas, no women showed up. I got images from others too, my dad, mom, sister, rice but nothing unfolded. Not once my kids. I had my wife Marie's face showing up several times but nothing else came up. I realized again that I was in control of my behavior and must be ready to become aware and execute delay, distract, and reframe any shit that I don't want.
reconnect with my soul starting with the pygmy kiss. He was painting something into my forehead to open my third eye. I saw him as if he was an African pygmy tribesman talking to me.