The Doors of My Soul
I've always seen myself not as the 46 year old Carlos but as the young Carlitos, a playful soul I'm so in love with, always excited to try something new, impulsive and never satisfied...jumping from one thing to the next new thing. Life has a way of reminding me of what happens when the life of Carlitos clashes with the older Carlos. It has shown me and very harshly where I've wonder off. It shows me my insecurities, the consequences of my actions and inactions, and where I've failed to mature from the young Carlitos. Finding I get uncomfortable when these realizations come knocking on the door of my soul. My fortress where I keep my feelings, my emotions, my insecurities and weaknesses. I dismissed them by distracting myself from it, but they always have a way to crash the door down. With each breakdown in my life, my many mid-life crisis, I am learning something new about myself but I always end up putting that door back into the frame not realizing that the frame is beyond repair. The door doesn't fit properly anymore. My limitations and shortcomings are out , no longer protected by the door of my emotions forcing me to deal with them once and for all. I've started to find the balance with the young Carlitos I feel and love to be with the older, wiser and improved Carlos I want to become. This not without a great deal of suffering and dire consequences as I tried to repair a door already broken. So I removed the damn thing out , door, frame and all. What is left is an open frame into my soul.
Now, I've done this before but ended up putting the door back up quickly when my feelings and emotions where challenged and threatened. Young Carlitos puts up a tantrum while the older Carlos finds a way to impulsively fix the problems, repressing my emotions.
This time, I've removed the door and frame of my soul for the last time. I've accepted that the door will not fit, the frame is beyond repair. No doors, no walls. Instead, I'm allowing to acknowledge and feel my emotions and not to reject or suppress them. I'm allowing myself to cry, to be sad, to be vulnerable and to admit my mistakes without justifying or making excuses. I am owning my emotions, feeling it in my body and embracing my pain and suffering. I am feeling something so long forgotten that its seemed foreign, so unfamiliar because I rejected and suppressed so long ago. That is the ability to feel my feelings and emotions and allow myself to feel the feelings and emotions of those whom I love and interact with. Not just only when I love and share with them but also and more importantly for me is when I do wrong and hurt them. I'm dropping my walls and coping defenses and allowing me to feel their pain and suffering. To put myself in their shoes as if I am the one getting wronged and hurt. Tearing down the door of my soul allows me to really appreciate the results of what my words and actions have caused to those I've loved. It feels real and painful yet sobering and transformative. I still feel like the young Carlitos but by not suppressing my emotions and allow myself to feel them, to own them, I'm slowly finding that balance I seek as I continue to grow with the old Carlos. I am feeling human again and I am grateful.